Dear Dr. Locker: I don't want to have an affair, but I'm a married woman and have developed a massive crush on a married man. We act like friends, no touching. I love the way it feels to see him, talk to him and I anticipate every email. Am I doing something wrong?
Answer from Dr. Locker
It’s normal to get crushes from time-to-time even when you are married. Yet, if you want a good marriage, then let the crush fade out now. There are few people who can safely maintain a healthy marriage while they are putting so much thought into “loving” someone other than their spouse. The amount of time that you are spending thinking about your crush could detract from the energy that you put into your marriage. Even though you say you don’t want an affair, you certainly could be at risk to have one. Moreover, as you get closer to the other man, the more difficult it will be to be “just friends.” A true friendship can not happen until you shake the crush. To save yourself the pain of hurting your marriage, and also of losing your new friend entirely, stop communicating with him until you are over the crush. Don’t respond to his e-mails or calls, and don’t get together with him. Throw yourself into your family, your work, anything to keep your focus off your crush. This sounds harsh, but you’ll find that in a few weeks or months, your crush will fade. After that, maybe you and he can be just friends. Maybe you can even go out together with your spouses to be sure that you can create the type of friendship that would be fine with them. You will miss the rush of opening a new email from him, or getting ready to meet him. But those are feelings that could harm your marriage, and make your life a mess. Mourn the loss of your crush, and celebrate everything else that you have in your life, including your husband.
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