Sex Advice

Dear Dr. Locker: How and when should I mention to dates that I don't want to sleep with one person exclusively?

Answer from Dr. Locker

If you want to play the field, you have to be honest about it, and no, that doesn’t mean you have to blurt out “I just thought I’d let you know I don’t want a monogamous relationship” on your very first date. It’s fine, in my book, to wait to see if some chemistry develops, but there does come a point when you absolutely should discuss your attitudes: before you have sex.

For many people, sex and commitment go hand-in-hand for the obvious reasons (like to feel intimate and secure—and to avoid contracting sexually transmitted diseases). So it’s only fair to let your prospective partner know the deal. Just say, “I really like you and feel like we might want to have sex some time soon. So it’s only fair to let you know I don’t want to sleep with anyone exclusively right now.” If your partner asks why, chalk it up to a timing issue, like “I’m too young,” Or, “I’ve just gotten out of a long-term relationship and don’t feel ready for a commitment just yet.” Your date may decide to continue seeing you anyway, or he or she may decide to bail—but even if that happens, rest assured, you’ve avoided what would have become a huge mess later on.


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