Get What You Want In Bed: Take things from so-so to so hot…

By Dr. Sari Locker

from Match.com 2007

If only lovers were psychically linked so they could just know how to please each other in bed. Alas, the reality is quite different. And while many people you date may certainly try to pinpoint your turn-ons and deliver kisses and caresses just how you like them, they're bound to be off the mark, especially if you've only recently started sleeping together. However, this doesn't mean you should settle for so-so sex. All your loving partner may need is a little direction from you -- and don't worry, I'm not asking you to bark out orders like a drill sergeant. There are plenty of subtle, sexy ways to communicate your desires. Here's what some savvy singles have tried to achieve great results.

Angle criticism as a compliment. Not surprisingly, people's egos tend to be delicate in the boudoir, which is why telling a partner what he or she is doing wrong is not the most encouraging way to go. Luckily, there are plenty of gentler ways to make your needs known. Christina from Watertown, MA, has had great success using these phrases during romantic romps: “Say something like, ‘I love it when you do (fill in the blank)’, and ‘I think doing it this way would make it even hotter,’” she suggests. “Using words like ‘and’ instead of ‘but’ is key, because you’re sending the message that you’d like to make a sexy addition to your usual repertoire—not griping about what he already does.”

Phrase your desire as a fantasy. Want to see if your partner’s up for something new without putting on too much pressure? Give him or her a taste of what would turn you on by presenting it as a fantasy. This has done wonders for Michael from New York, NY. “I wanted my girlfriend to be more creative during sex,” he explains. “So I would say, ‘Last night, I had a fantasy that you were (insert desire).’ It was effective for two reasons: First, it let her know that I think about her when she’s not around. And second, it helped me clearly state what I wanted, because I said it in the context of a fantasy. Most people want to please the person they love, so the chances of her fulfilling your fantasy (as long as it’s not too weird!) are pretty good.”

Use reference material. Rather than telling your partner what you want, some people prefer to leave some clues instead. Betsy, a New Yorker, admits: “I’ve actually left a magazine on my bed, open to an article that described a hot new move I wanted to try. I walked in the room and, just as I hoped, my boyfriend was sitting on the bed reading the article. He suggested we give it a whirl.” She also suggests tailoring this method to be a bit more direct. “You can also try starting a conversation by saying, ‘Guess what I read in this magazine?’ or ‘My friend was telling me about something new she tried with her boyfriend in bed….’ At that point, say no more, and your sweetie will surely take the reins.”

Try showing rather than telling. While asking for what you want in bed is certainly the most effective method (and what I recommend), some people are less into talk, and more into taking action. Cate, from New London, CT, reveals what she does when she just can’t find the words to ask for what she wants. “I’m slightly on the shy side, so it’s easier for me to give the guy I’m with non-verbal cues. For example, when I want to change where he’s touching me, I usually put my hand on top of his, and move it where I want it and at the pace and pressure I like it. He gets the hang of it.”

Make a game of it. Games instantly add a more playful feel to lovemaking—and there are plenty that can help point your partner toward your pleasure zones. One of the best is a game of “hot-and-cold,” which Corey from Boston, Massachusetts, swears by. “My fiancé and I sometimes play this game to make sure we both get satisfied,” she says. “For example, if he’s kissing my neck, and I want him to move lower, I say, ‘You’re getting warmer, warmer…’ until he hits the spot. Playing a game adds anticipation because you’re guessing what you want your partner to do, and there’s more build-up, which always makes it hot.”

Copyright (c) Sari Locker, Ph.D. 2007

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