Many sexologists have studied sexuality with an interdisciplinary approach, since sexuality encompasses issues related to biology, psychology, sociology, philosophy, anatomy, medicine, law, and more.  In my definition, a sexologist must have education and training in the field of sexuality. Therefore, it would be a misnomer to use the term to refer to someone who writes a sex advice column or book, or who gives lectures about sex, but who has no formal training in sexuality education, sexuality counseling, sex research, or sexuality therapy.

If you are a woman who has never had an orgasm (or if you have a girlfriend, wife, or sex partner who has never had an orgasm), in the advice area of my site, I give tips that may help you. After you read that, check back here to read the rest of this post.

A 24 year old woman wrote to me, asking me for more orgasm advice… Here is her question. 

“I have never had an orgasm. I tried the tips you wrote about in the advice area of your site. However, when I try my clitoris becomes too sensitive and painful. What do you recommend?”

Answer by Dr. Sari Locker:

Perhaps you are trying to use too much direct pressure on your clitoris. For some women, a lot of direct clitoral stimulation could cause a feeling of discomfort in their clitoral area that they may describe as stinging, tickling, aching, or mild pain. If you think this may be your issue, then try some of the following techniques during masturbation:

•       Rather than rubbing direclty on top of your clitoris, try rubbing a little above, or below, or to the side of it. 
•       Try stimulating your clitoris through the thin piece of skin that may cover the top of the clitoris, the “clitoral hood,” rather directly on the clitoris.
•       Try reducing the amount or duration of direct clitoral contact, or stimulating intermittently, rather than continuously.  
•       Try a little less pressure, and try it in a circular motion, rather than rubbing hard back-and-forth on it.
•       Try masturbating on top of your panties.
•       Try using a low-speed vibrator on top of your panties.
•       Try rubbing your clitoris on a pillow, by putting the pillow on the bed and getting on top of it.

All of those techniques would provide less direct simulation. If you don’t think that your issue is about the level of stimulation, then it could be more of a psychological issue. Perhaps you need to relax, fantasize, and allow your body to get into it, rather than trying to force it. Having an orgasm for the first time is not easy, and one of the biggest factors is the ability to relax, focus on pleasure, and let go. Also, it’s very much a process of trial and error, so keep at it, and eventually it will happen.   

I must add that if the pain increases, or occurs when you are not stimulating your clitoris, then you should see your doctor to discuss the pain, as it could indicate an infection or nerve problem.

Please write back to me to let me know how it’s going, and if you need more advice.  Also, any readers may feel free to post their comments here directly into my blog. Good luck!

Today is the National Day to Prevent Teen Pregnancy, which is a day to raise awareness about this problem and what we can do to try to prevent it.  Unfortunately, Bristol Palin, 18, has been appearing as a “teen ambassador” on TV and for events on this day. While in an interview on the Fox News Channel several months ago, Bristol said very clearly that teen abstinence is “not realistic at all,”  now she has recanted that statement. This morning she said on Good Morning America that abstinence is the only effective way to prevent pregnancy, and that she is “promoting abstinence.”  She refuses to say publicly that she and other teens must use birth control to prevent pregnancy!  In a post I wrote here in February, I said that I certainly hope that Bristol does not try to speak to teens about pregnancy prevention until she learns how to discuss the use of birth control and condoms. It has been clear for months that she refuses to educate teens in a constructive way, so why was she invited by pregnancy prevention groups to be a spokesperson for this day?! On this National Day to Prevent Teen Pregnancy, my message is to Bristol: Please use birth control effectively, and teach others about it, too. And please stop telling teens that abstinence is the only way, because that is exactly what led to your unplanned pregnancy.

In the advice area of my website, I often receive the question: Does penis size matter to a woman? My answer: It depends. Penis size is often irrelevant when it comes to a woman having an orgasm, since most women have orgasms from clitoral stimulation. The clitoris is located above the vaginal entrance, so the penis does not come directly into contact with it during the back-and-forth motion of thrusting in penile-vaginal intercourse. In that respect, therefore, size does not matter, and rather knowing how she likes her clitoris stimulated matters for her orgasmic pleasure. (For more about orgasms during intercourse, you can read my response to that question.)

However… Sometimes it is the size of the ship, not just the motion of the ocean. Penis size can matter to a woman depending on what she likes to feel inside her vagina. Then the issue become more about compatibility, rather than penis size. If her vagina is tight, and a penis is very large, then it might hurt her, and she might not like it. She may prefer a small penis. If her vagina is wide, and a penis is very small, then she might not feel it too much. Penis size matters to this woman if she likes to feel “filled up” in her vagina during sex. She will still be able to have orgasms just the same from her clitoris when it is stimulated. Keep in mind that sexual pleasure is not only achieved from the amount of pressure she feels in her vagina. For more info, check out my answers to these questions:

What’s the average size of man’s penis when it’s erect?

My penis is small. Please tell me what sex positions can make my girlfriend feel tighter during sex.

Michael Phelps has a size 14 foot, so does that mean he has a very large penis?

How can families have the birth that is best for them without a hospital dictating the process? Ricki Lake and Abby Epstein will enlighten you!

Your Best Birth: Know All Your Options, Discover the Natural Choices, and Take Back the Birth Experience, by Ricki Lake and Abby Epstein will be published on May 1, this Friday.  

In the 90s, I loved being a guest on Ricki’s daytime talk show. She was always a generous host, and it was fun to be a part of her show — especially when Ricki would ask a provocative question and the whole audience would chant, “Go Ricki. Go Ricki.” I’ve also long been a fan of her acting, and I’m looking forward to seeing her in her newest role as host of VH1’s Charm School (premiering May 11). Yet, it’s the work she does to support women’s choices about childbirth that is most extraordinary.

Ricki is truly dedicated to teaching women about childbirth and about how to be advocates for our health and wellbeing. Her new book Your Best Birth, and her phenomenal must-see documentary The Business of Being Born, are also an exploration of her own development as a woman and mother. In both the book and the documentary, Ricki and co-author Abby detail the births of their children, providing a personal, moving angle to their well researched and thoughtful work. Then they explain how a woman can decide to have a home birth, natural child birth in a hospital or birthing center, or if epidural, induction, medical intervention, or cesarean section could be necessary. Ricki and Abby give women an understanding of the natural birth process, as well as the medical system, including why our country has such a high rate of cesarean sections and infant mortality. Their new book gives women the necessary information to make an informed choice about their birth experience.

No matter what stage you are in the cycle of life — pregnant, soon-to-be, been-there-done-that, or who-knows-when-or-if — this book is a wonderful read. Ricki empowers us all to take responsibility for the choices we make about how we bring children into the world. Pick up Your Best Birth on amazon.com. Oh, and if you haven’t yet seen The Business of Being Born, you simply must! It’s available on amazon as a DVD or video-on-demand. You will be inspired by Ricki’s work. I know I am.

Welcome to new readers of my blog!

If you arrived at my blog because it is now being carried on your local news website (in Chicago, Ft. Lauderdale, Orlando, Baltimore, Cleveland, Kansas City, Hartford, Denver, St. Louis, Oklahoma City, Philly, and more cities…), I’d like to welcome you!  I’m excited that my blog is carried in so many places, and I’m very glad that you’re here. Please take a look around at all of the Categories in my blog. In addition, you may like the most popular areas on my website 1) my sex and relationship advice area, where you can search for answers to many questions or get your personal sex questions answered for free – and 2) my articles, where there’s always something to learn about sex. Please bookmark my site, or get my RSS feed to stay up on all of the latest about sex, relationships, and my work in sex ed and on television. I will be adding exciting new areas to my site soon, too. Thanks, and I hope you visit my site lots!

Last week on CNN HLN with Mike Galanos, I discussed Carlie Beck, the 20 year old cheerleading coach who was fired from Casa Roble High School in Orangevale, California, after it was revealed that she posed nude for Playboy’s website as a “Playboy Cyber Girl of the Week.” Well, now she’s moving up. It was just announced that she will be “Playboy Cyber Girl of the Month for June.”

On CNN HLN, I discussed both sides of the issue of her firing. Carlie has every right to pose nude, if that’s what she wants to do. She seemingly tried to separate her high school coaching from her nude modeling, since she used a different last name to pose — Carlie Christine — and the nude pictures are only available with a credit card. On the other hand, teens must be taught to not pose for risqué or nude photos, and that anything they put online can have serious consequences. So, their cheerleading coach obviously was sending the wrong message to her cheerleaders. Also, since one of the cheerleaders knew about the pictures and told the principal, then Carlie must have told that cheerleader about it. It is highly unlike that one of her students would have just happened onto the photos, because they were posted on an interior page of the site amid dozens of 1 inch square images of other nude women.  So if Carlie told the students where to look that would have been inappropriate.  

The moral of the story, however, is not about whether her firing was right or wrong. It’s that the firing made her “famous.” Instead of illustrating how nude pictures can hurt someone’s life, now Carlie gets exactly what she wants. She wanted to be a well-known model, which is why she posed nude. If she hadn’t been fired, then no one would have noticed her nude pictures in the sea of other pictorials of attractive nude 20 year olds. Now she’ll be the girl of the month, instead of just the girl of the week. All her dreams are coming true, thanks to the scorned cheerleader who precipitated her firing.  If she gets her way, then by next year, she may even get into the actual Playboy magazine! Maybe she’ll aim even higher and strive to be the next “Girl Next Door,” and move in with Hef. Wonder what message that would give the girls she used to coach.

In the “Articles” section of my website, I have written an article about How to Use Household Objects as Sex Toys. Please click here to read it.

You may also enjoy the “Advice” section of my website, where I answered a question about Do It Yourself Sex Toys. Click here to here to go there.