May, 2009

I’ve been traveling a lot lately to lecture about sex at colleges and conferences. For my speaking engagements, I always bring thousands of condoms, dozens of my books, and a number of different display items, such as dildos and other sex toys.  Last week at an airport, I had the pleasure of watching an airline Transportation Security Administration (TSA) officer inspect my suitcase. Wearing thick blue latex gloves, he very competently removed each sex toy, the bags of condoms, and multiple copies of The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Amazing Sex. He placed the items on a stainless steel counter, swiped each with a wand to detect whether any could be used for bomb making, and then apparently concluded that my sex paraphernalia were not a threat to national security. He placed the card pictured below into my suitcase as proof that it had been inspected. Then he carefully repacked, putting all the items back into the suitcase…until he got to the last dildo, an extra thick 15 incher (for educational purposes only of course!). He couldn’t quite figure out how to get it to fit in the suitcase. He tried a few different angles of insertion, and then I called out to him, “Do you want me to stuff it back in for you?” He replied: “No thanks. That would violate TSA regulations.” He finally found the angle, and got it in. 

Many sexologists have studied sexuality with an interdisciplinary approach, since sexuality encompasses issues related to biology, psychology, sociology, philosophy, anatomy, medicine, law, and more.  In my definition, a sexologist must have education and training in the field of sexuality. Therefore, it would be a misnomer to use the term to refer to someone who writes a sex advice column or book, or who gives lectures about sex, but who has no formal training in sexuality education, sexuality counseling, sex research, or sexuality therapy.

If you are a woman who has never had an orgasm (or if you have a girlfriend, wife, or sex partner who has never had an orgasm), in the advice area of my site, I give tips that may help you. After you read that, check back here to read the rest of this post.

A 24 year old woman wrote to me, asking me for more orgasm advice… Here is her question. 

“I have never had an orgasm. I tried the tips you wrote about in the advice area of your site. However, when I try my clitoris becomes too sensitive and painful. What do you recommend?”

Answer by Dr. Sari Locker:

Perhaps you are trying to use too much direct pressure on your clitoris. For some women, a lot of direct clitoral stimulation could cause a feeling of discomfort in their clitoral area that they may describe as stinging, tickling, aching, or mild pain. If you think this may be your issue, then try some of the following techniques during masturbation:

•       Rather than rubbing direclty on top of your clitoris, try rubbing a little above, or below, or to the side of it. 
•       Try stimulating your clitoris through the thin piece of skin that may cover the top of the clitoris, the “clitoral hood,” rather directly on the clitoris.
•       Try reducing the amount or duration of direct clitoral contact, or stimulating intermittently, rather than continuously.  
•       Try a little less pressure, and try it in a circular motion, rather than rubbing hard back-and-forth on it.
•       Try masturbating on top of your panties.
•       Try using a low-speed vibrator on top of your panties.
•       Try rubbing your clitoris on a pillow, by putting the pillow on the bed and getting on top of it.

All of those techniques would provide less direct simulation. If you don’t think that your issue is about the level of stimulation, then it could be more of a psychological issue. Perhaps you need to relax, fantasize, and allow your body to get into it, rather than trying to force it. Having an orgasm for the first time is not easy, and one of the biggest factors is the ability to relax, focus on pleasure, and let go. Also, it’s very much a process of trial and error, so keep at it, and eventually it will happen.   

I must add that if the pain increases, or occurs when you are not stimulating your clitoris, then you should see your doctor to discuss the pain, as it could indicate an infection or nerve problem.

Please write back to me to let me know how it’s going, and if you need more advice.  Also, any readers may feel free to post their comments here directly into my blog. Good luck!

Today is the National Day to Prevent Teen Pregnancy, which is a day to raise awareness about this problem and what we can do to try to prevent it.  Unfortunately, Bristol Palin, 18, has been appearing as a “teen ambassador” on TV and for events on this day. While in an interview on the Fox News Channel several months ago, Bristol said very clearly that teen abstinence is “not realistic at all,”  now she has recanted that statement. This morning she said on Good Morning America that abstinence is the only effective way to prevent pregnancy, and that she is “promoting abstinence.”  She refuses to say publicly that she and other teens must use birth control to prevent pregnancy!  In a post I wrote here in February, I said that I certainly hope that Bristol does not try to speak to teens about pregnancy prevention until she learns how to discuss the use of birth control and condoms. It has been clear for months that she refuses to educate teens in a constructive way, so why was she invited by pregnancy prevention groups to be a spokesperson for this day?! On this National Day to Prevent Teen Pregnancy, my message is to Bristol: Please use birth control effectively, and teach others about it, too. And please stop telling teens that abstinence is the only way, because that is exactly what led to your unplanned pregnancy.

In the advice area of my website, I often receive the question: Does penis size matter to a woman? My answer: It depends. Penis size is often irrelevant when it comes to a woman having an orgasm, since most women have orgasms from clitoral stimulation. The clitoris is located above the vaginal entrance, so the penis does not come directly into contact with it during the back-and-forth motion of thrusting in penile-vaginal intercourse. In that respect, therefore, size does not matter, and rather knowing how she likes her clitoris stimulated matters for her orgasmic pleasure. (For more about orgasms during intercourse, you can read my response to that question.)

However… Sometimes it is the size of the ship, not just the motion of the ocean. Penis size can matter to a woman depending on what she likes to feel inside her vagina. Then the issue become more about compatibility, rather than penis size. If her vagina is tight, and a penis is very large, then it might hurt her, and she might not like it. She may prefer a small penis. If her vagina is wide, and a penis is very small, then she might not feel it too much. Penis size matters to this woman if she likes to feel “filled up” in her vagina during sex. She will still be able to have orgasms just the same from her clitoris when it is stimulated. Keep in mind that sexual pleasure is not only achieved from the amount of pressure she feels in her vagina. For more info, check out my answers to these questions:

What’s the average size of man’s penis when it’s erect?

My penis is small. Please tell me what sex positions can make my girlfriend feel tighter during sex.

Michael Phelps has a size 14 foot, so does that mean he has a very large penis?