sex advice

Madonna lapping milk. Express Yourself.

From time to time popular magazines, TV shows, or websites claim that certain foods will turn you on, and in just one meal you can improve your sex life. However, the foods that are rumored to affect libido (oysters, dark chocolate, bananas, and more), simply contain some vitamins or minerals. None will actually elevate sex drive or improve your sex life, particularly because they would contain such small amounts of so-called aphrodisiac substances. There may be some placebo effect, but beyond that, science generally does not support their effect on libido. Simply put, aphrodisiacs don’t work. The ancient tradition of so-called aphrodisiacs is legend. Food cannot create passion where none exists.

The only way that food can get you more in the mood for sex is if you use food as if it’s a sex toy. Serve and savor it in a seductive way. Feed each other;  eat sensually; use it to try to change the way your bodies taste; lick food off of each other’s bodies. I’ve written more about how to use food during sex in answers to questions in the advice area of my site. Please check these out:

How can I use food during sex? 

What foods change the taste of semen?

What food are fun during kissing?

People often ask me to create exciting sex positions. Many of my new positions (the Groundhog, the Butterfly, and more) are explained in my book, The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Amazing Sex. Here’s a fun one I wrote for Cosmopolitan magazine. 

 

Today is the first day of summer, when millions of people make their way to beaches all around the county. How much sex will be going on at the beach?

The warm sun and coo­­­­­l breezes, the rhythm of the pulsating waves – it’s all very sensual and alluring. Fun in the sun sometimes takes a sexual turn; yet, remember, having sex on a public beach is illegal under public indecency laws (not to mention that getting sand in your genitals may cause irritation or urinary tract infection). Despite these issues, every summer tons of people do it, and ask my advice about it. I’ve already received several e-mails asking me whether it’s safe to use condoms at the beach. The answer: only if you use them on the shore. (For more info, read my advice column.) This summer, do you plan to be law abiding at the beach, or make mad passionate love in the surf? If you are going to let sexual freedom override the laws of the land, which beach will you choose for your furtive sandy romp? Rupert Holmes popularized the passion for “making love at midnight, in the dunes of the Cape” in his 1979 hit song Escape (The Pina Colada Song). As it turns out, people are not getting as busy as they used to out on Cape Cod. Last summer on Cape Cod’s National Seashore (the 20 miles of coastline from Provincetown, MA to Truro, MA), fewer people than usual were ticketed for illegal public sex on the beach. In summer 2008, park rangers issued 49 disorderly conduct citations for “obscene” acts, a misdemeanor carrying fines up to $150. In 2007, they gave 132 citations, so the drop was dramatic. Could it be that the Cape Cod dunes are falling out of vogue as the sex destination? I wonder if the stats on the beaches of the Hamptons were up last summer. As only a true Bonacker knows, the East Hampton, NY beaches are the hottest. But there’s no song that mentions that…yet!

Many sexologists have studied sexuality with an interdisciplinary approach, since sexuality encompasses issues related to biology, psychology, sociology, philosophy, anatomy, medicine, law, and more.  In my definition, a sexologist must have education and training in the field of sexuality. Therefore, it would be a misnomer to use the term to refer to someone who writes a sex advice column or book, or who gives lectures about sex, but who has no formal training in sexuality education, sexuality counseling, sex research, or sexuality therapy.

If you are a woman who has never had an orgasm (or if you have a girlfriend, wife, or sex partner who has never had an orgasm), in the advice area of my site, I give tips that may help you. After you read that, check back here to read the rest of this post.

A 24 year old woman wrote to me, asking me for more orgasm advice… Here is her question. 

“I have never had an orgasm. I tried the tips you wrote about in the advice area of your site. However, when I try my clitoris becomes too sensitive and painful. What do you recommend?”

Answer by Dr. Sari Locker:

Perhaps you are trying to use too much direct pressure on your clitoris. For some women, a lot of direct clitoral stimulation could cause a feeling of discomfort in their clitoral area that they may describe as stinging, tickling, aching, or mild pain. If you think this may be your issue, then try some of the following techniques during masturbation:

•       Rather than rubbing direclty on top of your clitoris, try rubbing a little above, or below, or to the side of it. 
•       Try stimulating your clitoris through the thin piece of skin that may cover the top of the clitoris, the “clitoral hood,” rather directly on the clitoris.
•       Try reducing the amount or duration of direct clitoral contact, or stimulating intermittently, rather than continuously.  
•       Try a little less pressure, and try it in a circular motion, rather than rubbing hard back-and-forth on it.
•       Try masturbating on top of your panties.
•       Try using a low-speed vibrator on top of your panties.
•       Try rubbing your clitoris on a pillow, by putting the pillow on the bed and getting on top of it.

All of those techniques would provide less direct simulation. If you don’t think that your issue is about the level of stimulation, then it could be more of a psychological issue. Perhaps you need to relax, fantasize, and allow your body to get into it, rather than trying to force it. Having an orgasm for the first time is not easy, and one of the biggest factors is the ability to relax, focus on pleasure, and let go. Also, it’s very much a process of trial and error, so keep at it, and eventually it will happen.   

I must add that if the pain increases, or occurs when you are not stimulating your clitoris, then you should see your doctor to discuss the pain, as it could indicate an infection or nerve problem.

Please write back to me to let me know how it’s going, and if you need more advice.  Also, any readers may feel free to post their comments here directly into my blog. Good luck!

In the advice area of my website, I often receive the question: Does penis size matter to a woman? My answer: It depends. Penis size is often irrelevant when it comes to a woman having an orgasm, since most women have orgasms from clitoral stimulation. The clitoris is located above the vaginal entrance, so the penis does not come directly into contact with it during the back-and-forth motion of thrusting in penile-vaginal intercourse. In that respect, therefore, size does not matter, and rather knowing how she likes her clitoris stimulated matters for her orgasmic pleasure. (For more about orgasms during intercourse, you can read my response to that question.)

However… Sometimes it is the size of the ship, not just the motion of the ocean. Penis size can matter to a woman depending on what she likes to feel inside her vagina. Then the issue become more about compatibility, rather than penis size. If her vagina is tight, and a penis is very large, then it might hurt her, and she might not like it. She may prefer a small penis. If her vagina is wide, and a penis is very small, then she might not feel it too much. Penis size matters to this woman if she likes to feel “filled up” in her vagina during sex. She will still be able to have orgasms just the same from her clitoris when it is stimulated. Keep in mind that sexual pleasure is not only achieved from the amount of pressure she feels in her vagina. For more info, check out my answers to these questions:

What’s the average size of man’s penis when it’s erect?

My penis is small. Please tell me what sex positions can make my girlfriend feel tighter during sex.

Michael Phelps has a size 14 foot, so does that mean he has a very large penis?