sex advice

Many sexologists have studied sexuality with an interdisciplinary approach, since sexuality encompasses issues related to biology, psychology, sociology, philosophy, anatomy, medicine, law, and more.  In my definition, a sexologist must have education and training in the field of sexuality. Therefore, it would be a misnomer to use the term to refer to someone who writes a sex advice column or book, or who gives lectures about sex, but who has no formal training in sexuality education, sexuality counseling, sex research, or sexuality therapy.

If you are a woman who has never had an orgasm (or if you have a girlfriend, wife, or sex partner who has never had an orgasm), in the advice area of my site, I give tips that may help you. After you read that, check back here to read the rest of this post.

A 24 year old woman wrote to me, asking me for more orgasm advice… Here is her question. 

“I have never had an orgasm. I tried the tips you wrote about in the advice area of your site. However, when I try my clitoris becomes too sensitive and painful. What do you recommend?”

Answer by Dr. Sari Locker:

Perhaps you are trying to use too much direct pressure on your clitoris. For some women, a lot of direct clitoral stimulation could cause a feeling of discomfort in their clitoral area that they may describe as stinging, tickling, aching, or mild pain. If you think this may be your issue, then try some of the following techniques during masturbation:

•       Rather than rubbing direclty on top of your clitoris, try rubbing a little above, or below, or to the side of it. 
•       Try stimulating your clitoris through the thin piece of skin that may cover the top of the clitoris, the “clitoral hood,” rather directly on the clitoris.
•       Try reducing the amount or duration of direct clitoral contact, or stimulating intermittently, rather than continuously.  
•       Try a little less pressure, and try it in a circular motion, rather than rubbing hard back-and-forth on it.
•       Try masturbating on top of your panties.
•       Try using a low-speed vibrator on top of your panties.
•       Try rubbing your clitoris on a pillow, by putting the pillow on the bed and getting on top of it.

All of those techniques would provide less direct simulation. If you don’t think that your issue is about the level of stimulation, then it could be more of a psychological issue. Perhaps you need to relax, fantasize, and allow your body to get into it, rather than trying to force it. Having an orgasm for the first time is not easy, and one of the biggest factors is the ability to relax, focus on pleasure, and let go. Also, it’s very much a process of trial and error, so keep at it, and eventually it will happen.   

I must add that if the pain increases, or occurs when you are not stimulating your clitoris, then you should see your doctor to discuss the pain, as it could indicate an infection or nerve problem.

Please write back to me to let me know how it’s going, and if you need more advice.  Also, any readers may feel free to post their comments here directly into my blog. Good luck!

In the advice area of my website, I often receive the question: Does penis size matter to a woman? My answer: It depends. Penis size is often irrelevant when it comes to a woman having an orgasm, since most women have orgasms from clitoral stimulation. The clitoris is located above the vaginal entrance, so the penis does not come directly into contact with it during the back-and-forth motion of thrusting in penile-vaginal intercourse. In that respect, therefore, size does not matter, and rather knowing how she likes her clitoris stimulated matters for her orgasmic pleasure. (For more about orgasms during intercourse, you can read my response to that question.)

However… Sometimes it is the size of the ship, not just the motion of the ocean. Penis size can matter to a woman depending on what she likes to feel inside her vagina. Then the issue become more about compatibility, rather than penis size. If her vagina is tight, and a penis is very large, then it might hurt her, and she might not like it. She may prefer a small penis. If her vagina is wide, and a penis is very small, then she might not feel it too much. Penis size matters to this woman if she likes to feel “filled up” in her vagina during sex. She will still be able to have orgasms just the same from her clitoris when it is stimulated. Keep in mind that sexual pleasure is not only achieved from the amount of pressure she feels in her vagina. For more info, check out my answers to these questions:

What’s the average size of man’s penis when it’s erect?

My penis is small. Please tell me what sex positions can make my girlfriend feel tighter during sex.

Michael Phelps has a size 14 foot, so does that mean he has a very large penis?

In the “Articles” section of my website, I have written an article about How to Use Household Objects as Sex Toys. Please click here to read it.

You may also enjoy the “Advice” section of my website, where I answered a question about Do It Yourself Sex Toys. Click here to here to go there.

Your lips touch for the first time: The earth moves. The angels sing, or, at least, that’s what you hope will happen, right? Read on for tips for an amazing first kiss.

I wrote the following article about first kisses for Match dot com a few years ago, and it was recently republished on MSN dot com. I’ve been getting tons of email from people who enjoyed the article. I’ve also been asked to talk about it on the syndicated radio show, “The Ralphie Show” in Providence, RI, Scranton, PA, and Wilkes-Barre, PA. So, I thought I’d repost it here. It begins after the jump. Please feel free to leave your comments about your favorite first kisses.

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My Advice column on this site has new sex questions and my answers three times a week.

Here’s a recent Q & A from my Advice column:

Dear Dr. Locker, If I use a vibrator all the time, will it make sex less enjoyable for me?

Dr. Locker Says: Yes and no. If a woman relies on a vibrator in order to orgasm every time, then she may not be able to orgasm any other way — because her body gets so used to the electric stimulation. Will this make sex less enjoyable for you? Well, no, if you and your partner don’t mind that you’ll have to use the vibrator every time you want to orgasm when you are intimate. But if you want to be able to orgasm while you and your partner are being sexual, without having to use a vibrator, then you would most likely need to entirely stop using the vibrator to get over it, and to re-sensitive your body to your hand (or his hand, or rubbing on his body, or oral sex) in order to orgasm. It’s all a matter of what you find most enjoyable.

For many more sex questions and answers, browse or search my Advice column.